Friday, November 20, 2009

Why I hate Whole Foods or why I am not a good person

Ever feel like you are stuck in a Fellini movie? Yeah, well that was me about 30 minutes ago. There was a cup, a chicken, a ballerina with one hand, and me standing in the middle of the Whole Foods market wondering what the fuck I was doing there.

Eh, you get what I mean.

My Adventures with Whole Foods or Why I am not a good person

First off, I do not actually hate Whole Foods (to be further referenced as WF so I don't have to keep typing it out. Although, since I am taking the time to announce that I am abbreviating, I probably won't even bother using it. I always do that). I like that it gives the upper middle class and snotty rich people an option other than Walmart or the average other chain grocery store to shop in. Oh, and the vegans and the pretentious college students trying to be cooler than you.

I have nothing against vegetarians, seriously. I know a few that are down right cool and I respect the varying reasons that they have for not eating meat. Health, political, etc, etc.... (I still don't get the cheese thing, sorry. I understand the logic behind it, but how can you not eat cheese?). This is not about them. One of my oldest friends, Leif, is a non-meat eater. He's good people. So are some of my friends here. I guess it is the Louisiana crap that I grew up around. These people down here will eat anything. Rats, chicken feet, intestines, pickled pig "fill in the blank."

This is about WF (hey, look I used the abbreviation!) and the wonky ass shit they sell and the crazy ass prices. What the hell?

1. No cheese should cost more per half pound than I make and hour.
2. Cornflakes should actually have CORN in them.
3. Someone should warn you that the section with the hummus in it is supposed to smell like that. I actually sniffed myself to see if it was me. Not cool WF, not cool.

So, the main reason I went is because its been a while and I was passing it as I left Barnes & Noble. I picked up the new Michael Connelly, one of the Dexter novels by Jeff Lindsay, part two of a new series by a writer I just discovered, and a copy of Children of Men by PD James. It is coming to theaters soon and when I saw the trailer it looked awesome. Thus, I new the book had to be better, right? Plus, I like to read and I like to pick apart movies that were based on books. Also, I like to find new writers to read while my favorite authors are busy writing the stuff I really want to read. In case you were curious, Midnight in the Garden of Good & Evil was one of the best books ever and one of the worst movies ever. Period.

Anyway, I digress.

WF, yeah.. that's what I was talking about. At WF (check me out, I am still using it) I saw a guy stock up on non-chicken chicken broth, noticed that every single box of cereal had animals on them ( but are not actually made of koalas), and that you can buy refried bean powder and add water to make your own refried beans. For about five times as much as the canned kind. This is stupid.

My favorite part of WF is the flower section. I have worked in flower shops for damn near four years, we never had flowers this nice. We had really pretty flowers, don't get me wrong, but nothing compared to these. And, they were actually reasonably priced. There were some beautiful ginger and freesia that I didn't have the money to buy :(

Oh, my other favorite part of WF (are you still reading this? You do know that this is a stupid thing to blog about, right? I didn't have my camera, so there aren't any pictures....I'm just letting you know) is the produce department.

Wow. The colors, the textures, the exotic things that I have never heard of.... I love walking through the produce section. Even if I know that I am not buying squat. No way in hell I am paying $1.99 a pound for apples that I can got to the local produce stand and get for $.79 a pound. No fucking way. So, I walk through and I "browse."

There I see:
1. Some fruit that I can not pronounce that is $19.99 for a single piece. I better freaking orgasm if I buy and eat a fruit that cost twenty bucks.
2. Cauliflower for $7.99 a pound.
3. WTF?????

So, as I am trying to not look like a freaking tourist in my own city (or former city) I devise a plan. If asked if I need something (because eventually someone will notice my blank stare and wrinkled brow) I will ask "Do you have any MEYER lemons?" That way, I will look fancy. Plus, I already checked and they don't have any (what the hell? how can WF not have meyer lemons?) and I will get to say "Oh. Well then" and walk away like the other snooty lady did when they didn't have what she wanted.

So to recap, this is what I learned/ thought today at WF:
1. Everything is organic.
2. Organic means you pay four to five times as much.
3. Nothing is made of what it should be. No corn in cornflakes, no oatmeal in the oatmeal cookies, no meat in the hot dogs.
4. Tea that costs $14.99 for 10 bags is staying its ass on the freaking shelf.
5. The older the cheese, the more likely that it will cost you roughly what you are paying in rent for a pound.
6. No American beer. (except local brewery stuff that blows)
7. Japanese people stay thin because they eat things that are gross. My theory is that they can only handle a few bites and then have to stop eating. Because it is gross.
8. I now know where to buy canned octopus, should the need ever arise.
9. Not alot of fat people shopping at WF. Just me.
10. I am willing to try tofurkey slices, but not at $3.99 a pack when it has four times the fat at double the cost of what I buy now.
11. I am not coming here again unless I want some cool flowers.
12. I like meat.
13. I wonder if they can smell the Walmart on me?
14. Am I allowed to shop here? I never technically finished college.
15. I don't recognize any of these people. Am I in the Twilight Zone?
16. Salt flavored toothpaste? Fight gum disease and raise your blood pressure at the same time.
17. Why all the flakes? Rice flakes, vegetable flakes, potato flakes, bread flakes....wait, aren't those called crumbs? Are people really buying crumbs?
18. I do not belong here.
19. Where is the potted meat?
20. Damn, that deli section smells awesome. Wow, that open bar looks good.....

Oh, and tofu! My god, the tofu section.

I tried tofu a few years back. It was the plain, regular kind. I came to this conclusion:

Tofu does not exist. It is a figment of your imagination. It is not food. It is not real. It does not make you a better person if you force yourself to eat it. It is cosmically vapid and shallow. It is the black hole of the food industry. It is a conspiracy. It is pure marketing strategy. It is creamy Styrofoam in fancy packaging. It is not real, people. Even if it says it is baked, lemon peppered, Chinese spiced, or smoked. It is not real.

So, I bought a couple of things:
1. Malt vinegar
2. A beer. Strawberry Blonde ale.
3. Ume plum vinegar.

I didn't notice until after opening the plum vinegar that it has 1040 milligrams of sodium per tsp. Also, that whole "plum" flavored thing? It tastes like soy sauce that sat next to a plum on a shelf. $1.99 wasted.


1 comment:

weenie said...

those powdered refried beans are good for camping.