Apologies: To all the men I've loved before......

This year I am going to try to be nicer. I will probably fail miserably, but I would like to take this time to drop a few apologies to some of the guys in my life. Mostly past, but a couple of current ones, too. No names, you will know who you are.......I am sorry. If you do not see an apology that suits your needs, I am sorry for that, too. I guess I forgot about you. Sorry.


I am sorry about that time I was a bitch to you that one time we had sex. I should have been nicer and told you the truth. You were fucking the side of my leg, the crease between my thigh and my vagina. Where the hip socket is. Essentially you were fucking the inside of my hip joint. There was no penetration. Also, that one thrust in my navel really hurt. I am not sorry for being mean about that.

I am sorry about that time I wouldn't fuck you on the roof of that movie theatre when I was thirteen. I should have realized back then that having your brother was standing fifteen feet away wasn't a valid excuse to turn you down when you wanted my virginity. Nor was the fact that we had no condoms and I wasn't on the pill.

I am sorry for getting drunk and having sex with you on your moms bathroom floor. It was terrible for both of us and ruined a lot of friendships. Plus, it was really, really bad.

I am sorry for kicking you in the nuts so many times when we were in elementary school. You were a jerk. You probaly still are. Still, I should have only kicked you a couple of times and not ten or twelve.

I am sorry that I faked all of those orgasms. The sex was pretty good, just not orgasmic. I will always think of fucking you when I hear Nirvana's Lithium if that helps any.

I am sorry that I made you kiss me. I was too needy and clingy and was trying to grow up too fast. The only memory I have now of my first kiss is of making you do it and since I really didn't even like you one single bit, that really blows.

Sorry for telling everyone you were gay. You were gay, but sorry for telling everyone. It wasn't my place.

Sorry for calling you a nerd everyday in school and constantly insulting you. I was projecting my feelings of insecurity onto you. You didn't deserve it and I sincerly apologize. I think of you when I see that scene in The Wedding Singer and hope someday I can apologize in person so you can cross me off your list of people to kill that ruined your life. I ran into your sister a few years ago. She told me not to feel too bad because you were and still are a loser. Still, I feel bad.

Sorry about that time I made fun of you and made you mad at that club. You were trying to mosh, though. You were the only one on the floor at the time. You can not mosh alone. Throwing yourself against a pole repeatedly does not constitute solitary moshing. It is a sign of mental imbalance and a cry for attention. You looked like a fucking idiot. Even all these years later, I laugh when I think about you doing that. Still, I shouldn't have made fun of you. That was mean.

I am sorry I wasn't there for you when you died. I am sorry your life sucked so damn bad. You deserved more. You were hard to be friends with. You were the biggest (and biggest hearted ) queen I have ever known. You lied all the time, though. You didn't have to do that. I loved you for you, you didn't have to impress me. If you thought for one second anyone believed that you fathered twins, you were a fucking fool. I am not that great at math, but you don't conceive and deliver twins at seven pounds a piece in under seven months. Still, I loved you. I wish we had not lost touch. I wish I didn't have to find out you died six months after the fact. I wish I had been there to hold your hand and tell you I loved you one last time. I hope that God has a few gay angels up there. You deserve to have the peace and happiness you couldn't find on this earth. You looked terrible in drag. You looked like your mother. Sorry.

I am sorry that I never punched you in the throat. You fucking deserved it. Man you fucking deserved to be set on fire in your fucking sleep.

I am sorry that I treated you so badly when you were there for me when I needed you most. I was alone, pregnant and scared when you came over. You came running when I called you, even though we hadn't spoken in a year. I was miserable and trying to sort out my life and grow up, you were still partying and drinking like a fiend. I came down hard on you. I am sorry. I miss your friendship everyday. I am not sorry that I called your house so many times and left all those crazy apology messages. I am sorry that you couldn't be man enough to accept them. I am sorry that you couldn't even call me to tell me to fuck off. I am sorry you are so insecure that you feel the need to give your friends ultimatums about talking to me. I am sorry you make them choose you or me. I am sorry you are that petty. I wish you much happiness and I will cherish our friendship always as one of the most important ones of my life. I miss watching really bad porn with you.

I am sorry that I called you a bastard. Your dad is still alive. I should have called you an asshole.

I am sorry that I never supported your music. I am sorry, but I thought that most of it sucked.

I am sorry that I never told you how much I loved you. I thought you were the one. I never told you how much it hurt when you chose her over me. I know you are happy now and I am and always have been happy for you both. I am sorry that I never said thank you. I know you knew how I felt. You didn't feel the same and you did the best you could not to hurt me. I will always love you for that. You're still one of my favorite people in the world. I will post that story here for you soon. I will dedicate it to you.

I am sorry that I added you as a friend. I was trying to be nice. You seem like a nice guy, really. But, your profile is lame and you have left stupid comments. You really don't know me, nor I you. It is nothing personal. Really. Glitter should be used as sarcasm, not sincerity. I am truly sorry, but you are not welcome for the add.

I am sorry that you want to have sex later after you are done playing World of Warcraft. I shouldn't have asked you to smell my tits after I got out of the shower, I just wanted to see if you would like my new peppermint 3 in one wash from Bath & Body Works. It ain't happening.