Friday, November 20, 2009

Bad Sex

Here were a few stories that came up that I thought I had forgotten about. Damn, you memory!! Damn you straight to heck.

1. Lets call this guy Tiny. Tiny was a guy that I had sex with the first night I met him. We drank some booze and smoked some weed and then had sex. I blamed it on being drunk and stoned, but I wasn't. I was lonely and horny. There. The truth comes out.

I am a fat chick, this is no secret. Tiny was a fat dude. This was also no secret. He was one of those fat dudes that you give a nickname to for the purpose of mocking his size. Why don't those guys ever hate that? They seem to dig it. If one of my friends tried to affectionately refer to me as "thunder thighs" that bitch would be missing a good chuck of her hair and teeth.

But, back to the story. So, things get heavy and lukewarm or whatever and he says he has to go to the store for condoms. Guys like him usually have no chance of getting laid, so condoms aren't really needed around the house. So, he leaves the trailer.....(I could stop here now. I really could.)...... and comes back a few minutes later.

What happens in the next six minutes or so is burned in my brain forever. Bad Sex.

Fellas, here is a tip. If you push a woman's knees up to her chest, don't force all of your bulk down on her thighs to spread them apart to splay them out on the bed. We are not dead chickens. You are not trying to cut us up for shake and baking (at least I hope not). Dislocating a woman's thighs from the hip socket, thus rendering her unable to walk for two days, does not bring about orgasm. This is called pain. When I tell you to stop it, I expect you (even stoned and drunk) to have more than a five second span of memory to fit that in. Stop it means stop it NOW! Not wait a minute and see if she likes it later.

Bad sex. Bad. A totally bad sex.

2. If you can't find the hole and you hit the anus then STOP. Don't just say "Fuck it. It's pretty much the same thing."

No, it isn't.

3. My tits aren't light bulbs. Twisting them will not turn them on. Or me for that matter. Twisting them harder will not make light shine forth from my nipples. If I have to physically hit you in the face during sex to make you stop doing something, we should see other people. Stop means fucking stop.

4. If you really loved me, you wouldn't have to be explained to why I do not want to give you head in the driveway of my grandmother's house. Breaking up with me on Valentine's Day? Fuck you. (I have forgiven this guy and we are still friends. He still apologizes for this to this day and says I was the one that got away. We laugh about it now, but back then I was pissed).

5. I understand that the epi-lady only hurts when there is hair in an area to pull out. I do not understand why you felt the need to ask if you could borrow it to masturbate with. No, you can have it. I don't want it anymore.

Also, vapor rub on the vagina in 30 degree weather...not such a good idea was it fuckface? Trying to wash it off with hot water burned only slightly less than trying to wash it off with cold water.

6. No. It doesn't happen to all guys. It really doesn't.

7. No. You can not fuck my best friend while I watch. Quit bringing it up in the middle of sex. Big turn off.

8. The three way seemed like a good idea at the time. (Shit. I totally forgot until this moment that I ever did this!). Two guys. Hell yes!

Only, hell no. You started and then left the room for me to finish screwing your friend, whom I did not even like. So you could go call my best friend and try to get with her. You could have just told me you didn't like me. Pawning me off on your friend was wrong. It was creepy and gross. You were really bad, too. Limp as a wet noodle. I hear you were like that with a lot of girls.

Sad thing is, I dated your friend after that. Shit, I really was fucked up back then. He loved me, though. I give him credit for that. He could take a sweater off and you wouldn't even notice, but he loved me. Until the blowjob/ driveway thing anyway.

9. Your penis was weird. Really, really weird. It should not taper like that. I am sorry I lied to you to spare your feelings. It should not be an inch thicker at the bottom and narrow up. It was kinda like a sharpened pencil. Only nowhere near as hard. Didn't matter though. It was over so fast.

10. It was the side of my leg. I repeat THE SIDE OF MY LEG!! When I tell you that you are not "in" I mean that you are not in. This doesn't mean to thrust harder. You were fucking my leg. No matter how hard you thrust, it was still my leg.

No comments: