1) Set off the fire alarm. You will have to evacuate the building. Since you will have to leave the building, you might as well take this time to go get a drink.
2) If you answer the phone and can immediately tell that the person on the other line is an idiot, subtly and casually hang up on them and go to the bathroom. Since there are rarely phones in the bathroom, this means someone else will have to answer that line and deal with them when they call back. Don't worry. They will explain to the person that they must have been accidentally disconnected and will apologize on your behalf.
3) If someone pisses you off at work remember: Anger entitles you to free office supplies.
4) Having an extremely large booger is a medical condition. You may call in sick for this. You may also call in sick for dandruff, foot fungus, and genital warts. These are all legitimate medical conditions.
5) Be Jewish. I can not stress this enough. Being Jewish adds 16 more religious holidays to the mix. Mexican Jews can add Cinco de Mayo as well. You will most likely already be off for New Years, July 4th, Memorial Day, Good Friday, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. That is a full month of holidays.
6) Start smoking. Smokers get more breaks. These breaks are on the company dime.
7) Unless you work in a morgue, looking presentable is a job requirement. Petty cash is your friend. Spend it getting your nails done.
8) Don't waste energy working harder, work smarter. Making your co-workers look bad makes you look better. Look at your co-workers desk. That's a lot of paper. There must be something there that needs to be shredded.
9) Stop wasting your hard earned money going out to lunch. There is plenty of food in the refrigerator and it won't cost you a dime.
10) When updating your resume, learn the difference between "On the job training" and "Hands on training." The key is in the wording. On the job training means you've seen it done before. Hands on training means you've actually done the job. Do not confuse the two. Let us use these in a sentence to clarify the difference. For example: I experienced "on the job" training as a gourmet chef. I have "hands on training" adding food coloring to ground meat to make it look fresher so we can sell it two weeks after its expiration date. Now, which one would you hire to cater your next company Christmas party?